28 November, 2011

Whining About Involuntary Self-Distruction

I hope that everyone had a wonderful day of feasting, followed by a day of either shopping for fantastic deals, or hiding from the zombie shoppers!  Seriously, though: be careful those shoppers will kill you!  I even heard that some random dude slapped a child for some toy on Black Friday!!


Personally, I went nuts this past week.  Some of the following may explain my last post.
The following five days describe my recent adventures in ADHD.

First off, Friday I zoned out for a whole day due to being over-medicated because my doctor had accidentally written my prescription wrong.  I ask you: what doctor does that?  Yeah, well, then he went out of town, and his office DOESN'T ANSWER THE PHONE ON FRIDAYS!!

I was completely dizzy and my mind was all over the place the following day because I decided not to take the mistakenly high dose.  That was a bad idea.

Sunday and Monday I took the remainder of my regular dosage, of which I had two left, and slightly recovered, before finally getting in touch with my doctor's office to get a refill of my original dosage; which I got on Tuesday.

You following me?  Good.

Now the world of heartburn and G.E.R.D. (Gastro-Esophagial Reflux Disease).

I also ran out of my G.E.R.D. meds on the Thursday before Thanksgiving; and by the following Monday, I was chugging down Pink Bismuth (seriously guys, the Walgreens brand) and went to bed with my insides on fire and feeling like the pink was going to make a comeback. (Eeeww, I know)

So what a week that was!!  My body has been hobbling along for the last couple of weeks and I believe that I may actually fall apart.  Really: my spine might separate in the middle; my left leg might pop off at the hip joint; and I'M ONLY TWENTY-EIGHT!!

Next post won't be so selfish and may actually include some cleverness and not whining!

18 November, 2011

Seriously Zoned

So, I just realized that I was sitting at my desk, hunched over, with my chin resting on my empty travel mug, for at least ten minutes; literally.  In fact I didn't even sit up while typing the title for today's post.  For the previous ten minutes I was staring at my monitor; I'm pretty sure I read something on it but, most of my tabs are closed and I don't think I stared at the name Google for ten minutes.

I believe that my zombification may have been brought on by the fact that my doctor (hold on, have to call the doctor ... wasn't there) anyway, my doctor prescribed me a much higher dosage of my crazy pills (ok, it's actually for the ADHD) than I've been taking; I didn't notice until this morning, but I figured hey, it should only help right? Wrong!!  Now my brain is staring at the inside of my skull going:
do you know how to change the toner in the copier because i suspect that someone might show up right now and ask us to change it but i'm to intrigued by this funny looking membrane to remember for you or to remember about silly things like punctuation and syntax and oh yeah do you remember those pugs this morning on the way to the car they were awesome but how do they breath when they jog and SHUT UP I'M LOOKING AT THIS MEMBRANE
Yeah, and most of that was in an interesting monotone.  Anyway, the suck part about all of this is that it's not the worst thing today: My back is killing me!! People here at work (shhhh, don't tell anyone I'm at work) have kindly been offering me their ibuprofen, but I feel like a giant hole full of asses taking more than two from them, and this is a five-pill pain.  Oh well, knowing that you all either feel my pain or are now forced into it makes this all worthwhile.  Wait, no it doesn't!!  Dammit; I want focus and no pain!!
they're not going to read you anymore if you keep depressing them but if you really HEY WHO TURNED OUT THE LIGHTS?  STOP BLINKING SO LONG NATE!!
So thank you guys for reading.  I'll be back soon!

I wish I had a sexy brain like that one. ^

15 November, 2011

It's the End of the World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)

I hope everyone had a fruitful week!  Unless you're not planning on bearing fruit just yet, or ever.

I'd like to thank all of my new readers and followers for your comments and questions.  I'd especially like to thank Mouthy Maven for her contributions to my sanity!  Thank you to the Regretsy forums as well!

I will soon be adding a page to Clever By Accident dedicated to answering your questions, so stay tuned!


The following account is based on actual events.
The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Gather 'round folks and I shall tell you a tale..

Once, long ago, longer now than it seems....  WAIT, wait; sorry guys, that's The Nightmare Before Christmas!

My tale goes a little something like this:

Quite long ago, a man, let's call him Dave, was working on a project; his boss had instructed him to fashion a calendar.  Dave's boss said to make the calendar span a century; but Dave had other plans.  You see, Dave was a mathematical whiz, an OCD pioneer, and probably the first person with ADD*.

Dave made the calendar in a matter of weeks, some say days.  His boss was pleased and, seeing Dave's pride in his accomplishment, asked him if he would like to continue the calendar, adding another century or two.  Dave immediately accepted the offer and went straight to work on it.

Often working through the night, Dave completed another century, then another, and another.  Still Dave worked, obsessively, on his masterpiece; turning in a century here, two hundred years there; and his boss accepted each installment, far beyond what was asked of Dave.

Dave's wife, Gertie, began to grow worried; for many nights he had not lain with her.  So Gertie decided to find him a hobby that would tire him by early afternoon, so that he would come home and be the loving husband that he once was.

Gertie enlisted the help of Dave's best friend and hunting aficionado, Earl; who invited Dave to a day of hunting. Unfortunately for Gertie, killing animals was not Dave's idea of a good time, especially when there was calendaring to be done!

So Gertie and Earl tried another approach.  Earl told Dave about a new game in which a stick was hurled at a man who had to attempt to protect himself with a small rock; scoring was determined based upon A) whether or not the player remained alive or conscious, and B) how far from the player the stick landed.  Dave took an immediate interest, not because the game sounded fun (concussions were not a favorable condition for a mind such as Dave's), but because he thought that he might improve the players' chances of survival and make changes to the game that would make for good watching.

Due to Dave's obsession with the new game, his calendar making efforts fell by the wayside.  Dave's boss, asked Dave to turn in what was finished of the extensive calendar and, after many delays, and months of forgetting, Dave finally came to the conclusion that, if necessary, someone else would continue the calendar, maybe in a few decades or so.  Dave then turned in the last piece of his calendar.

Because of Dave's obsessive personality, and ultimately his ADD, his calendar has influenced people all over the world.

The calendar ended on a nice even date for Dave's community, but for us, it's December 21, 2012.

*Reference Needed

December 21, 2012 corresponds to the final day of the thirteenth b'ak'tun since the world was created according to the Mayan Calendar.  The b'ak'tun is a period of one hundred forty-four thousand days.

The following day, begins the fourteenth b'ak'tun, and millions of people will wake up on Earth to the sound of billions other people laughing at them because the world didn't end.

Laugh with me..

08 November, 2011

Psycho TVs & Smuggling Fruit

    So, I've been pretty lax about posts for a couple weeks, sorry about that; I had some family health issues come up that, quite frankly, captured my entire concentration.  I'm back now, though; which should be a cause for celebration among my loyal fan; and you'll likely be seeing more frequent posts now that my work hours have been cut down a mite.

    I digress.  I hope your Hallowe'en was great; mine was light this year, but fun; I was a dashing, if chubby, Indiana Jones.  My wife was a magnificently frightening Murderous Beauty Queen, and believe me, when I say "frightening," I am understating how truly horrifying it was for me.  Others may not think she was so scary, but I must remind you: this is my wife; I married a loving, beautiful, innocent woman.

    The murderess that she became was not the same woman that I married.  It was something akin to buying a TV because the display in the store was phenomenal, the specs were outstanding, and the price was unbelievable; getting the TV home, connecting it (correctly), doing everything necessary for a perfect picture, turning it on and seeing blood ooze out of the screen, high pitched fork-on-plate or nail-on-chalkboard sounds coming from the speakers, the TV growing legs, knocking you to the ground, then slamming its psycho blood-screen-with-images-of-gruesome-lemonparty face against your own horrified eyeballs, while it yells at you: 
    Needless to say, it was disconcerting.  This was not Alex.  She played the part so well, and I was glad when we got home and she washed the makeup off and became my wife again.

    Now I must posit a question.  It is rhetorical, but if you wish to answer, I would welcome the comment.
"Why are sunglasses so easy to lose?"
    Yes, seriously; that is my question!!  I lose sunglasses on a semi-regular basis.  In fact, just Sunday, I lost my newest pair, only three or four months old, at Kohl's!  I decided, since she'd been putting them in her purse everywhere else we went that day, that I would not depend on my wife's purse to hold my sunglasses.  No, no; I held them in my front pocket like a teenager smuggling a banana from 7-11 damn it!  However, I noticed that when I would bend over or squat to try on shoes or something, my shades were being mercilessly squeezed and were in danger of breaking.  I was wearing a light jacket that day, so I put the glasses in a pocket.  Voila!!  My sunglasses that I had begged my wife to let me get (after having lost the last pair inside of a Big Lots) were then sucked into the endless vortex that takes the matches to all of my socks, my comfy sweatpants, and that FRICKIN' CORD THAT I NEED RIGHT NOW!!  Seriously, it's quite annoying.

     Thank you so much for reading my drivel.  If you liked it, please tell your friends and family; if there's a way that I can improve your experience, leave a comment; and if you just want to insult me, go right ahead, you can be my blog fodder!

"If I wanted to be smart, I would have learned how on the Internet." -Me.