I digress. I hope your Hallowe'en was great; mine was light this year, but fun; I was a dashing, if chubby, Indiana Jones. My wife was a magnificently frightening Murderous Beauty Queen, and believe me, when I say "frightening," I am understating how truly horrifying it was for me. Others may not think she was so scary, but I must remind you: this is my wife; I married a loving, beautiful, innocent woman.
The murderess that she became was not the same woman that I married. It was something akin to buying a TV because the display in the store was phenomenal, the specs were outstanding, and the price was unbelievable; getting the TV home, connecting it (correctly), doing everything necessary for a perfect picture, turning it on and seeing blood ooze out of the screen, high pitched fork-on-plate or nail-on-chalkboard sounds coming from the speakers, the TV growing legs, knocking you to the ground, then slamming its psycho blood-screen-with-images-of-gruesome-lemonparty face against your own horrified eyeballs, while it yells at you:
"THIS IS WHAT YOU BOUGHT!! THIS IS WHAT YOU WANTED!!"Needless to say, it was disconcerting. This was not Alex. She played the part so well, and I was glad when we got home and she washed the makeup off and became my wife again.
Now I must posit a question. It is rhetorical, but if you wish to answer, I would welcome the comment.
"Why are sunglasses so easy to lose?"
Yes, seriously; that is my question!! I lose sunglasses on a semi-regular basis. In fact, just Sunday, I lost my newest pair, only three or four months old, at Kohl's! I decided, since she'd been putting them in her purse everywhere else we went that day, that I would not depend on my wife's purse to hold my sunglasses. No, no; I held them in my front pocket like a teenager smuggling a banana from 7-11 damn it! However, I noticed that when I would bend over or squat to try on shoes or something, my shades were being mercilessly squeezed and were in danger of breaking. I was wearing a light jacket that day, so I put the glasses in a pocket. Voila!! My sunglasses that I had begged my wife to let me get (after having lost the last pair inside of a Big Lots) were then sucked into the endless vortex that takes the matches to all of my socks, my comfy sweatpants, and that FRICKIN' CORD THAT I NEED RIGHT NOW!! Seriously, it's quite annoying.
Thank you so much for reading my drivel. If you liked it, please tell your friends and family; if there's a way that I can improve your experience, leave a comment; and if you just want to insult me, go right ahead, you can be my blog fodder!
"If I wanted to be smart, I would have learned how on the Internet." -Me.