08 November, 2011

Psycho TVs & Smuggling Fruit

    So, I've been pretty lax about posts for a couple weeks, sorry about that; I had some family health issues come up that, quite frankly, captured my entire concentration.  I'm back now, though; which should be a cause for celebration among my loyal fan; and you'll likely be seeing more frequent posts now that my work hours have been cut down a mite.

    I digress.  I hope your Hallowe'en was great; mine was light this year, but fun; I was a dashing, if chubby, Indiana Jones.  My wife was a magnificently frightening Murderous Beauty Queen, and believe me, when I say "frightening," I am understating how truly horrifying it was for me.  Others may not think she was so scary, but I must remind you: this is my wife; I married a loving, beautiful, innocent woman.

    The murderess that she became was not the same woman that I married.  It was something akin to buying a TV because the display in the store was phenomenal, the specs were outstanding, and the price was unbelievable; getting the TV home, connecting it (correctly), doing everything necessary for a perfect picture, turning it on and seeing blood ooze out of the screen, high pitched fork-on-plate or nail-on-chalkboard sounds coming from the speakers, the TV growing legs, knocking you to the ground, then slamming its psycho blood-screen-with-images-of-gruesome-lemonparty face against your own horrified eyeballs, while it yells at you: 
"THIS IS WHAT YOU BOUGHT!!  THIS IS WHAT YOU WANTED!!"
    Needless to say, it was disconcerting.  This was not Alex.  She played the part so well, and I was glad when we got home and she washed the makeup off and became my wife again.

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    Now I must posit a question.  It is rhetorical, but if you wish to answer, I would welcome the comment.
"Why are sunglasses so easy to lose?"
    Yes, seriously; that is my question!!  I lose sunglasses on a semi-regular basis.  In fact, just Sunday, I lost my newest pair, only three or four months old, at Kohl's!  I decided, since she'd been putting them in her purse everywhere else we went that day, that I would not depend on my wife's purse to hold my sunglasses.  No, no; I held them in my front pocket like a teenager smuggling a banana from 7-11 damn it!  However, I noticed that when I would bend over or squat to try on shoes or something, my shades were being mercilessly squeezed and were in danger of breaking.  I was wearing a light jacket that day, so I put the glasses in a pocket.  Voila!!  My sunglasses that I had begged my wife to let me get (after having lost the last pair inside of a Big Lots) were then sucked into the endless vortex that takes the matches to all of my socks, my comfy sweatpants, and that FRICKIN' CORD THAT I NEED RIGHT NOW!!  Seriously, it's quite annoying.

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     Thank you so much for reading my drivel.  If you liked it, please tell your friends and family; if there's a way that I can improve your experience, leave a comment; and if you just want to insult me, go right ahead, you can be my blog fodder!

"If I wanted to be smart, I would have learned how on the Internet." -Me.

8 comments:

Sadie-Ann said...

A friend of yours referred me to your blog and I'm glad she did.

I probably shouldn't have read it while drinking water, though. Thank you for my new 'I don't feel like doing homework right now' time waster.

fluffypinkmarshmallowbunny said...

sent by same friend as sadie, and i loved reading! just have to ask, how do you know its akin to smuggling fruit? have you tried to smuggle a banana from the 711 in your front pocket? better question, did you succeed??

Andie said...

Knowing Nate....he totally has....

Buffy said...

Referred by the same friend as Sadie and FPMB! Love the blog.

As for your sunglasses dilemma, might I suggest wearing them on the back of your head when not in use? You know, like you have highly sensitive eyes peering out of your hair? Of course, if you choose to do this, you may also want to sag your jeans half-way down your rump.

heathers teas said...

The same friend as Sadie, FPMB, and Buffy referred me too your blog. As for the sunglasses, have you thought about just keeping them in the wife's cleavage? It would serve dual purposes there. Your glasses would be safe, and any time you wanted them back, you would have a great excuse to fondle the wifey.. Sounds like a win-win situation to me...
Have a beautiful day.

FluffyBunnyTurds said...

I'm another one referred by the same friend as the others. Great blog here, I'm enjoying reading it!

S i a c a l í n said...

I tried wearing my shades in any other location on my head and they always fell off in the most hilarious way at the most awkward moment. I think frames should be coated with grippy stuff because they are way too slidy.

Caitlin said...

Somehow, "psychotic television" is definitely not something I've ever thought of when I have considered caveat emptor.