28 December, 2011

A Sexier Beast?

You know, a while ago (and then also recently) Jenny, The Bloggess, posted a pretty convincing comparison between her cat, Ferris Mewler (fantastic bit of clever, that name), and Eric Northman of True Blood.  Bravo madam, bravo.

HOWEVER; mere days before Christmas, Alex and I caught Jasper in his sexiest pose ever; a pose which, dare I say it: is even sexier that Ferris Mewler doing [an impression of] Eric Northman.

Ladies, avert your eyes unless you can handle the sexy; Gentleman, I promise never to speak of your impending man crush.. Behold, Jasper!!

Mmph mrph mmh

My wife took one look at him in that position and said:
"That is a sexy beast."
Whereas my first thought was: It looks like something out of A Game of Thrones.. or Ron Jeremy.. Eew. 

Wait.. What the devil?

Who the hell do you think you are?

Thus I issue this challenge to The Bloggess:  Who is sexier? Ferris Mewler, or Jasper (so sexy, he needs only one name)?

I await your refute.

27 December, 2011

Politically Corrected

Hello all of my clever little accidents!  I know it's a couple of days late, but Merry Christmas!!  Also: Happy 7th day of Hanukkah; Happy 2nd day of Kwanzaa; Happy Winter Solstice; Happy Yule; and Happy Festivus!!

Now, I've always considered myself to be polite and respectful (STOP LAUGHING!!) when it comes to the beliefs of others, but I find that "political correctness" is going too far.  For many years now, I've been pushed, prodded, and prompted to tell people "Happy Holidays" rather than "Merry Christmas," because it's offensive..

I'm not a preachy man, nor do I encourage folks to believe one thing over another (unless it involves Batman or pie).  So, when I tell someone Merry Christmas around this time of year, I would hope that -if they do not celebrate Christmas- they would greet me with a "Happy Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Solstice, or Festivus;" or simply: "Thank you, have a nice day."  I would never take offense to a person wishing me a Happy "this time of year," whatever it may be; for that is all that I am doing: Wishing them a Merry *December 25th!*

So, if you too feel screwed by political correction, speak up (nowhere specifically, I don't have a site to rally you all too, but you get my point).

Our Christmas Tree, complete with
authentic crooked star and tufts of cat fur

Have a Happy New Year everyone!!

19 December, 2011

Ouch, this thing is eating my legs..

Hey hey!  So, how are all of my clever little accidents? Good? Fantastic!!

I, through the magic of prescription drugs (or possibly because I've had less), have been less depressed lately.  It's a great day when you can look at a gibbon situation and think of the possible positive outcomes, rather than the inevitable failemur.  I've always been an optimist though; and yes- before you ask- it is weird to be a sad, depressed little optimist.

For example, an optimist sees the glass as "half full," the pessimist sees it as "half empty," but the depressed optimist sees the glass as "half full, but it's all the way over there and I just don't care about the water that much.."  Sad, no?  Again, the optimist says that the day is "pleasant and sunny," whereas the pessimist says: "it will probably rain as soon as I go outside," but the depressed optimist will say: "it's pleasant and sunny outside..frickin' sun; what does it have to be so happy about?"  One more:  The optimist will think: "ouch!  This velociraptor is eating my legs and, while it hurts, I'll probably survive and end up using some cool, new, bionic legs!"  While, the pessimist would think: "ouch!  This velociraptor is eating my legs, it hurts and my torso is probably next.  Great, now I'm going to end up as dinosaur poo."  But I, the depressed optimist would have thought: "ouch! This velociraptor is eating my legs.  Oh well, I probably deserve to be dinosaur poo."
So!  While my humor may fail me every now-and-always; at least it won't be sad.  Monkey.

06 December, 2011

Cat Nightmares

The following is based on actual events.  The names have not been changed, because no one is innocent.

I was talking to my wife, Alex, and my cat, Ame, just the other day..:

Me: "Good morning Ame, what are you staring at?"
Ame: "Mew."
Alex: "Maybe she had a cat nightmare; y'know like slowly being dipped in water?"
Me: "Like being drowned?"
Ame: "Meeh."
Alex: "Can you imagine cat nightmares?  Like mice with staves and other weapons?"
Me: "Why would they have weapons?"
Alex: "Because it would be scary if they could fight back!"
Ame: "Meow."
Me: "Or mice with water guns, birds with water balloons, and fish."
Alex: "Fish?"
Ame: "Mew?"
Me: "Fish.  Because they're already in water..  Nevermind."
The mouse revolution is at hand..Beware..

01 December, 2011

Wives, Elves, and Electrocution

Apparently my wife has learned how to communicate monetarily:
Alex (looking at a Trader Joes ad): "Ooh, they have Chicken Sate.." (pauses for my reaction)
Me: "Oooh, wow. (then, realizing she's not catching my sarcasm) I don't know what that is."
Alex: "It's $9.99!"
Me: "Honey, I still don't know what it is.."
Alex: "But..it's $9.99.. Doesn't it sound good?"
Me: "But-I-..  Yeah, it sounds good."
I never did find out what it is, but I haven't cared enough to look it up.

"mrphpmmmhmph..*crunch*...mrph...*munch*..hrmm....Damn I love these little almond cookies. DAMN YOU KEEBLER ELVES!!"
Though they're actually gnomes.  Don't believe me?

Garden Gnome
Questions? No? Good, now go buy almond crescent cookies so that the gnomes can earn their living.


This season, do your loved ones a favor and don't electrocute yourself.  WHOA!!  Hey, calm down folks, I'm not saying don't get shocked; I don't want to ruin Christmas or Hanukkah for all of you!  After all, if anyone knows that happy little tingle of alternating current, it's me!  But just be careful.  Your home-brewed electrocution can really drive up the power bill; and your significant others will thank you for keeping the bill low!  (Just remember who told you this during..well, after your reward.. You can thank me later.)