Ouch, this thing is eating my legs..

Hey hey!  So, how are all of my clever little accidents? Good? Fantastic!!

I, through the magic of prescription drugs (or possibly because I've had less), have been less depressed lately.  It's a great day when you can look at a gibbon situation and think of the possible positive outcomes, rather than the inevitable failemur.  I've always been an optimist though; and yes- before you ask- it is weird to be a sad, depressed little optimist.

For example, an optimist sees the glass as "half full," the pessimist sees it as "half empty," but the depressed optimist sees the glass as "half full, but it's all the way over there and I just don't care about the water that much.."  Sad, no?  Again, the optimist says that the day is "pleasant and sunny," whereas the pessimist says: "it will probably rain as soon as I go outside," but the depressed optimist will say: "it's pleasant and sunny outside..frickin' sun; what does it have to be so happy about?"  One more:  The optimist will think: "ouch!  This velociraptor is eating my legs and, while it hurts, I'll probably survive and end up using some cool, new, bionic legs!"  While, the pessimist would think: "ouch!  This velociraptor is eating my legs, it hurts and my torso is probably next.  Great, now I'm going to end up as dinosaur poo."  But I, the depressed optimist would have thought: "ouch! This velociraptor is eating my legs.  Oh well, I probably deserve to be dinosaur poo."

So!  While my humor may fail me every now-and-always; at least it won't be sad.  Monkey.

Whining About Involuntary Self-Distruction

I hope that everyone had a wonderful day of feasting, followed by a day of either shopping for fantastic deals, or hiding from the zombie shoppers!  Seriously, though: be careful those shoppers will kill you!  I even heard that some random dude slapped a child for some toy on Black Friday!!

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Personally, I went nuts this past week.  Some of the following may explain my last post.
The following five days describe my recent adventures in ADHD.

First off, Friday I zoned out for a whole day due to being over-medicated because my doctor had accidentally written my prescription wrong.  I ask you: what doctor does that?  Yeah, well, then he went out of town, and his office DOESN'T ANSWER THE PHONE ON FRIDAYS!!

I was completely dizzy and my mind was all over the place the following day because I decided not to take the mistakenly high dose.  That was a bad idea.

Sunday and Monday I took the remainder of my regular dosage, of which I had two left, and slightly recovered, before finally getting in touch with my doctor's office to get a refill of my original dosage; which I got on Tuesday.

You following me?  Good.

Now the world of heartburn and G.E.R.D. (Gastro-Esophagial Reflux Disease).

I also ran out of my G.E.R.D. meds on the Thursday before Thanksgiving; and by the following Monday, I was chugging down Pink Bismuth (seriously guys, the Walgreens brand) and went to bed with my insides on fire and feeling like the pink was going to make a comeback. (Eeeww, I know)

So what a week that was!!  My body has been hobbling along for the last couple of weeks and I believe that I may actually fall apart.  Really: my spine might separate in the middle; my left leg might pop off at the hip joint; and I'M ONLY TWENTY-EIGHT!!

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Next post won't be so selfish and may actually include some cleverness and not whining!

 

Seriously Zoned

So, I just realized that I was sitting at my desk, hunched over, with my chin resting on my empty travel mug, for at least ten minutes; literally.  In fact I didn't even sit up while typing the title for today's post.  For the previous ten minutes I was staring at my monitor; I'm pretty sure I read something on it but, most of my tabs are closed and I don't think I stared at the name Google for ten minutes.

I believe that my zombification may have been brought on by the fact that my doctor (hold on, have to call the doctor ... wasn't there) anyway, my doctor prescribed me a much higher dosage of my crazy pills (ok, it's actually for the ADHD) than I've been taking; I didn't notice until this morning, but I figured hey, it should only help right? Wrong!!  Now my brain is staring at the inside of my skull going:

do you know how to change the toner in the copier because i suspect that someone might show up right now and ask us to change it but i'm to intrigued by this funny looking membrane to remember for you or to remember about silly things like punctuation and syntax and oh yeah do you remember those pugs this morning on the way to the car they were awesome but how do they breath when they jog and SHUT UP I'M LOOKING AT THIS MEMBRANE

Yeah, and most of that was in an interesting monotone.  Anyway, the suck part about all of this is that it's not the worst thing today: My back is killing me!! People here at work (shhhh, don't tell anyone I'm at work) have kindly been offering me their ibuprofen, but I feel like a giant hole full of asses taking more than two from them, and this is a five-pill pain.  Oh well, knowing that you all either feel my pain or are now forced into it makes this all worthwhile.  Wait, no it doesn't!!  Dammit; I want focus and no pain!!

they're not going to read you anymore if you keep depressing them but if you really HEY WHO TURNED OUT THE LIGHTS?  STOP BLINKING SO LONG NATE!!

So thank you guys for reading.  I'll be back soon!

Squidgy

I wish I had a sexy brain like that one. ^

Obsessive Compulsive Douchery

I cannot stand it when some inconsiderate douche-bag is using my preferred left side sink to wash his hands while I awkwardly wait, refusing to use the middle, or right side, in a ridiculous attempt to satisfy my OCD.  No no!  I have to be the stupid loner hanging out waiting to put soap and water on his hands at this sink, because it's the one I have to use.  This after taking what seemed like an eternity to piss at MY left side urinal!  We're men! We pee standing up!  Gravity should do most of the work, but apparently I'm the only guy in this office who can empty the entire contents of his bladder in about 15 seconds or less.  I'd understand if these guys were older, but some are younger than I am and taking a ridiculous two full minutes!?!?  Ugh.  At least I didn't creepily urinal-stalk as well as sink stalk; there's a left side stall at least.

OH! And I had a Hallow'een sized bag of regular M&Ms and the same size bag of Peanut M&Ms, and do you know what?  They BOTH had an ODD number of M&Ms in them!! I mean what the hell?!?!

/rant