How to Torture Your Pets | Fall Issue

It's that special time of year again, that time that makes every adult feel like a kid again: Hallowe'en!!

So, Friday, I hunted through the office closet to find both boxes of decorations, the first was directly in front of me, but it was the box of crappy decorations; sorry, but I'm not a fan of happy lavender spiders and kiddy crap; I need scary; I'd even prefer shit-your-pants frightening, but, failing that, scary will do.

Knowing that the good decorations weren't in any of the random boxes on the closet's top shelf, I eventually had the closet sufficiently turned inside out; boxes were everywhere; and both cats were taking turns circling my legs trying to trip me, and burying themselves in the nooks and crannies of the closet.

At this point, exhausted from the weight of the week, I pulled down the first box from the top shelf of the closet, just so I could say:

"Ha, Brain, I told you they weren't up there, you smug little prick!!"

...and there were our good decorations.

"You win this round, Brain.."

My brain said nothing, it just sat there, squishy and pink.

In the good box, were the decorations that my wife, Alex, and I had bought together; and the little bat bow tie that our first cat, Jasper wore last year.  Also in the box were the torturous wings and antennae that we put on our dog Misty!

Misty, being tortured

We promptly applied said costumes to our pets; Misty lay down and stared at us as if she were being punished, and Jasper kicked, clawed, and bit to prevent an extra bit of accoutrement about his neck.  Then we realized our problem: Our newest cat, Ame (for the verbally challenged pronounce it: Ah-May), did not have a costume. We fixed that and got her a witch's hat; which she promptly pulled off in a fit of rage. 

Ame, moments before cat-explody

What did we expect her to do? She's a cat, of course she's gonna hate it.

Jasper, rollin'

Alex couldn't resist the temptation to get Jasper a new costume too.. It looks like he'll be Brisco County Jr. this Hallowe'en!

Misty, willing my head to implode.

After Ame's fit, Misty tried on the hat and was ready for Hogwarts!

(DON'T JUDGE HER!! She loves Harry Potter.)

Let the torture begin!! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Steve Jobs | 1955-2011

    When an innovator, a leader, dies; every life he's touched feels it.  His family, friends, coworkers, and rivals all feel the loss.

    Yesterday, October 5, 2011, Steve Jobs, co-founder of Apple, Inc. passed away.  I can only imagine the black hole that has suddenly appeared in the Jobs family's life.  His fellows at Apple feel the loss of a leader; and his one-time collaborator, friend and rival Bill Gates, feels the heavy absence left by a worthy and noble opponent.

    Steve Jobs' achievements and history can be found many places on and offline, so I won't rattle them off here with the simple carelessness of a list.

    You might read this and wonder what effect Jobs had on your life.  Look at your smartphone, your mp3 player, your tablet, laptop, or desktop.  If you are using an Apple product, it's based on Steve Jobs' imagination.  If you're using an Android phone or tablet; a touch-screen device; even a Windows PC: some part of each has been developed with Steve Jobs in mind, either by developing a product to compete with his, or to improve upon them.  You may not realize the effect(s) he's had on your life, but they are there.

Apple IIGS (1986)

     I am not a Mac fanboy, and while my first computer was 1986's Apple IIGS; I prefer Windows, but I wouldn't trade my iPhone for any other phone.

    We all have our differences, but one thing I hope we can agree on: Steve Jobs changed the world.

Goodbye Steve Jobs.

Rest Peacefully.

8-Bit Philosophy

    If you're reading this, you've probably played Super Mario Bros., or watched your kids play it, or watched your older siblings play it while wondering why the Xbox 360 is turned off.  Well, in any of those cases, you've probably noticed that the first enemy Mario (or Luigi) encounters is the "Goomba."  When Mario stomps on a Goomba they flatten and disappear.  (Duh Nate, is this a walkthrough or what?)

    I assume that the Goombas are stomped so hard that their mushroomy bodies are ground into the cracks of the cobblestone ground that spans the Mario world(s).  The philosophy part comes in here:  When Mario picks up the fire flower and gains the fireball throwing demigod power; we can actually see the souls of the Goombas descend into Hell!  WTF Nate!? (Although Dad is thinking: WTF Nathan!? Hi Dad!)

    Well! I'll tell you WTF!!  When Mario throws a fireball at a Goomba, does it flatten? No. Does it get ground into the road? No.  The Goomba falls down through the road and out of frame.  Now, assume with me for a moment that: fire is more destructive than a plumber's foot.  Which, it is; and a magical fireball thrown from Mario's hand must be much more powerful; and finally, one does not simply float through the ground, PHYSICS PEOPLE!!

    Thus: Mario's fireball instantly disintegrates the Goomba and we are witness to its soul floating into Hell.